Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
