I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
