They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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