no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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