I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
