he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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