I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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