So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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