i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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