I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
