Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
