I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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