i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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