We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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