I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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