i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
