so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
