All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My life is pants optional.
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