My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
