..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
