I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
