Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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