"it" just moved
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
