we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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