Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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