I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize