did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
