At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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