did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
