On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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