I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
