last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
