I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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