go do what you do best...puke behind churches
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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