why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
