Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
