Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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