Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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