the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You made out with two different species that night
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
