I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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