I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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