it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
