she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
