Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
