I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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