When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
