you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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