Christians are straight up FREAKS
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize