So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
