Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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