It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
