Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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