Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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