I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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