i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
