Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
