Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
