It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
